Outtakes Pt. 2

Howdy. Last week, I shared some “Outtakes”—snippets of dialogue, punchlines, and setups that never quite found an appropriate usage in the comic throughout my years producing Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles. This week, here’s the second  installment:

In regards to personality:
MR. WIGGLES: I’m full of moral fiber! I’m like a laxative for the soul!
NEIL: Well, you are full of shit…

On crime:
Mr. WIGGLES: They could base three Law and Order episodes around what I did to you last night.

As Neil complains to Mr. Wiggles about his porn-viewing habits:
MR. WIGGLES: Hey, it’s not just any porn. This is that rare Woody Allen porn, Hannah And Her Fisters.

On prescription medicine:
NEIL: Are you on your medication?
MR. WIGGLES: If by “medication” you mean “heroin” and “gas fumes” then the answer is “yes”!

On relationships:
MR. WIGGLES: I like you better when you’re not around.

After Mr. Wiggles makes another tasteless joke about molestation:
NEIL: That’s not funny. How would YOU like it if I tied you up and molested you?
MR. WIGGLES: Are you hitting on me?

An unused comic that didn’t make the cut:
NEIL: Mr. Wiggles, why is there a bag of crap in the freezer?
MR. WIGGLES: It’s not mine; I’m holding it for a friend.
(beat)
NEIL: Tell your friend he eats too much corn.

On sex-ed:
YOUNG BOY: My dad has erections all the time. But they’re mostly when he’s naked on the kitchen table, coked out of his mind and screaming about the CIA.
MR. WIGGLES: Your dad sounds awesome, Timmy.
YOUNG BOY: He makes me call him “Susan”.

Another tasteless punchline:
MR. WIGGLES: Tell me something, Timmy: have you ever tasted fear?

And that wraps ‘er up! I’ll dig around through my archives and see what other goodies and/or stories I can come up with for next week. See ya then!