Outtakes Pt. 1

Over the course of thirteen years as I’ve been working on this strip, I’ve amassed an archive of material that I would draw upon in times of lesser inspiration. Some were punchlines with no setups, some were setups with no punchlines, while others were premises, snippets of dialogue, or anything else that sparked my funny bone. Most were never used for good reason. The rest, I just never found a way to fully work. For lack of a better word, I’m referring to these as “Outtakes.” Below is part 1 of 2 of these outtakes:

In regards to anorexia:
MR. WIGGLES: Whatever you haven’t been eating, it’s working.

On division of labor between Mr. Wiggles and Neil:
MR. WIGGLES: I am the 99%.
NEIL: You realize there’s only two of us, right? That makes you the 50%.

On dating in the technological age:
NEIL:  She said she only liked me as a Facebook friend.

In regards to personal grooming:
NEIL: I have so much body hair, I can braid corn rows on my butt.
MR. WIGGLES: I think those are called “cornhole rows.”

Also in regards to hair:
NEIL: I saw a bald guy with corn rows. It was the weirdest combover ever. It was like a cornover.

On relationships:
NEIL: I just want to be part of your life.
GIRL NEIL’S INTERESTED IN: You are. You’re the part that’s not there.

On love:
MR. WIGGLES: I love you like a fat kid loves diabetes.

On being told he’s afraid to express his emotions:
MR. WIGGLES: Punching’s an emotion, right?

On poor sales of his new product:
MR. WIGGLES: It was like I was selling AIDS juice.

On religion:
NEIL: I couldn’t tell if they were praying or talking to themselves.
MR. WIGGLES: Aren’t they the same?

An unused concept:
Pets with Pubic Hair

On attraction:
NEIL: Is it weird that every so often I’m sexually attracted to mannequins?
MR. WIGGLES: Frankly, I think it would be weird if you weren’t.

Also on attraction:
MR. WIGGLES: Who are you—the erection police?

More to come next week!