NEIL: Are you taking any ladies out tonight for Valentine’s Day?

MR. WIGGLES: No way. Restaurants always overcharge on Valentine’s Day so I celebrate it a week later. In fact, I don’t celebrate any of the holidays on the days I’m supposed to. I celebrate Thanksgiving on a Saturday, St. Patrick’s Day every day, and you’ve heard of Christmas in July? Well, I literally celebrate it in July. The 23rd to be exact.

NEIL: You are truly an iconoclast.

MR. WIGGLES: I also celebrate funerals before people have died. By the way, on a completely unrelated topic, would you rather be buried or cremated?

NEIL: Um…