MR. WIGGLES: Hey kids, unfortunately, racism is still alive and well. But, like my tastes in pornography, it's evolved. That's why I've created . . . THE GUIDE TO MODERN RACISTS (Just insert your least favorite minority or ethnic group into the blanks!)

TRADITIONAL RACIST: I hate ____ because my father hated ____, and his father hated ____, and his father's father . . .

HIPSTER RACIST: I hated ____ before it was popular. Sigh . . .

ELDERLY RACIST: In my day, we didn't hate ____. We were too busy hating ____.

MISANTHROPIC RACIST: I hate ____. But, then again, I also hate everybody, including myself.

COMEDIAN RACIST: Have you ever noticed how ____ are inferior to us? What's the deal with that?

DESIGNER RACIST: It's just that ____ are such an eye-sore. Now ____, now that's a beautiful people.

RELIGIOUS RACIST: I hate ____ because the Lord commands me to. Praise (insert deity).

REVERSE RACIST: I don't hate ____. In fact, I exclusively date them. Drives my mother crazy. Bitch.